Yes, please staple your bread to trees!
Updated: May 9, 2020
Have you heard about this new internet craze where people staple slices of bread to trees? The phenomenon apparently originated from Reddit, where people have been sharing pictures, which are aptly captioned: "Bread Stapled To Trees".
I was looking at some of these pictures, and whilst originally baffled by this seemingly pointless exercise of affixing perfectly good slices of bread to perfectly good tree trunks, I eventually came to see a pattern and it hit me like a brick of stale bread: This is a silent protest in a vast resistance movement!
If you examine the bread in these pictures you come to realize that not one of the slices featured is from an artisanal loaf but rather every single staple slice incident represents the bread that you can find in every super market. The kind of bread that Vanessa Kimbell describes in her book "The Sourdough School" under the chapter heading "The madness of modern bread":
The processed bread on our supermarket shelves is completely dependent on petrochemical-derived, synthetically fertilized, and adulterated wheat, routinely treated using carcinogenic, chemically produced herbicides. The wheat used to make bread is stripped of its nutritional properties; it is fast processed using a single monoculture yeast strain; the bread is packed with preservatives, emulsifiers, and enzymes before being packed in wasteful plastic bags,and transported long distances. It is bread that is destroying our health and our planet.
I was so excited to realize the immensity of this silent global movement! This must mean that people are waking up from their carbohydrate induced coma resulting from consuming poor bread and instead of continuing to eat it, are stapling it to trees! What a genius way to express your dissatisfaction! I extrapolated that this must also mean that all these people stapling their poor bread to trees, are realizing the value of grinding (mockmilling) one's own organic grain and and exposing it in a slurry of water to naturally occurring yeast and bacteria. All these silent protesters have, like me, come to the conclusion that real sourdough bread, as declared by the Real Bread Campaign, can only be achieved through slow fermentation!!!
People, keep stapling your supermarket bread to trees if you must*. It really is the only thing it is good for....
Over and Out.
*disclaimer: I do not encourage the use of food (however bad) for uses other than its intended purpose